© 2019 Tapestry, Annual TAMUK Women & Gender Studies Journal

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Martisha Montemayor

Depression

It snuck up on me, like lung cancer in a chain smoker.

Like liver failure in an alcoholic.

Depression wrote its name in my life.

 

How fucking dare this feeling interrupt my time on earth.

Depression who do you think you are?

I’m happy!

What are you doing here?

What do you want with me?

 

Depression go look on my Facebook page you’ll see, I don’t belong

Not to you not in your path.

So why have you come to brush the hair from my face behind my ear

So nonchalant, I’m offended that you’d think you’re wanted in my presence.

Depression… don’t! STOP !!!!

DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!!!!!!

I have a family!!!

I have people!!!

People who love me!!!

They love me?

I have a child!!!!

 

My parents are both alive and healthy!!!!!

I’m happy, I make people laugh!!!

WHY? GOD WHY is DEPRESSION here?

Depression: “Martisha I’m here”

I know. But why?

Depression: “Martisha I’m here”

How?

Depression: “You tell me”

Me: oh. I see.

Explosion

I’m from a small town just down the road

Same ole town like any other small town in South Texas

Where we all think we are the best there is

Just a girl

 

Turn women with the birth of my child

A new leaf in life a spark in my soul

Looking at my life I didn’t want to be just another girl

No shame in that.

I just want more.

I want an explosion of life.

To be free mentally

To be sexy when not allowed

To be happy even when I’m sad

I want an explosion of emotion

I don’t wanna just be some girl from

a small town in South Texas.

I wanna be the explosion heard

from Amarillo all the way down to Pharr.

Hear me roar

I am everything except ordinary

I dare to be explosively extraordinary.

 

Nothing Kills Me More

Nothing kills me more than wondering what if

Nothings kills me more than to see you with a new me

Nothing kills me more than knowing you’re happy

 

Nothing kills me more that seeing

your pictures on my social media

People you may know?

If only I knew then what I know now

I wish I could say no.

Block.

 

Nothing kills me more than my daughter

looking just like you

Nothing kills me more than when she sleeps

it reminds me

A constant version of you a better one more beautiful

Really smart and most of all

Nothing kills me more than loving you till this day.

Nothing kills me more than seeing you in her every day.

A piece of you and a piece of me.

Something we made.

 

When we felt love ‘

A relic of our romance

Our child…

Nothing kills me more.

 

Conformity

I live to die, in America we are a culture of rules that do not end.

We all have life but only on the one percent of America truly gets to live.

Trips to Pairs France, Vacations in Disney land all bills and Autopay with no worries.

Go to college they said.

Get your Degree, when is a bachelors not enough anymore? These times are changing cost are rising the price to live is death.

Work! Work Hard!

 

Then you will get what you want out of life.

What a lie.

Society constantly grinding down on me to conform to confront to be a citizen of the United States of America.

Well

Where is my American dream?

 

I’ll tell you were up you’re a**!!! Mr. Man dear old Uncle Sam.

I have to drown in debt before I can live my dream, I have to pay you back and all your tax.

What about my water? My Electricity? My Daughter?

You Selfish conformist you’re the problem I have with my life!!

You threw me a bowie and it’s to heavy to float!!!

Food stamps A.K.A EBT, TANF, Medicate, housing why are you putting it back on your boat?

 

What have I done but cripple myself.

Poverty is all I have to look forward to. Dear Uncle Sam you’d be mad if you was me.

Can’t you see?

I keep trying to crawl out of a bottomless pit.

I did conform, I will get my degree How am I still a failure you tell me?

Life is going faster than I can live!!!!

You’re an A**hole your why the one percent can never be one of my kids.

I did conform where’s my gift my prize!

My American Dream.

I did conform.